F*ck It! In the 2020 Primary, I'm Just Gonna Support Whichever Candidate Has the Cutest Dog

Yes, we’re still over a year away from the 2020 primary elections but there’s no time like the present to decide which issues are the most important to you when it comes to choosing the candidate for whom you’ll vote. Some people may want a candidate with proven bona fides on immigration or foreign policy reform, but me? I’m voting for whichever candidate has the cutest dog.

I mean, think about it! Dogs are cute, they're fun, and they certainly won't perpetuate a humanitarian crisis in Yemen. And even if they did, it would be the cutest humanitarian crisis I've ever seen. Honestly, I don't understand the intricacies of foreign policy but I DO understand dogs.

And let's be real, in a field of nearly identical contenders spouting the same policies, campaign promises just aren't that important. In fact, I love that no 2020 candidate's stance distinguishes them from anyone else on the never-ending conveyor belt of homogeneous choices. It gives me more time to focus on the important issues, like whose dog has the most pathetic guilty face or softest ears. I simply don't have the energy to research Kirsten Gillibrand's past as a lawyer for Phillip Morris, or her previous pro-gun/anti-immigration stances because I'm too busy imagining her golden-doodle Maple, how her tail wags while supporters on the campaign trail boop her cold, wet nose or how her tongue unknowingly bleps out while she sleeps.

And yeah, Elizabeth Warren exaggerated her Native American heritage and claimed that minority status on affirmative action forms, but have you seen the Instagram videos she posts of her golden retriever, Bailey? When the senator comes home to Massachusetts after a long time away in DC, Bailey is so excited to see her. His tail is wagging so fast! He's jumping in the air! He's rolling on the floor, gleefully anticipating belly rubs! It makes me believe the American people will be equally joyous with her as president, rubbing our collective belly.

I know what you're thinking: "dogs are precious angels we don't deserve and ranking them is impossible!" Sure, I get it, dogs are faultless. But I promise you it's still possible to judge them objectively. To illustrate: Pete Buttigieg has a puggle, and my ex-boyfriend liked pugs, so, sorry Pete! You don't have my vote. Also, who are you? Trick question, it doesn't matter - you failed the dog test and I hope you and your puggle's enchanting toe beans rot in hell.

The only question is what do we do with the candidates who are disappointingly dogless? Kamala Harris, for example, has an incredibly troublesome record on trans and prisoner's rights, but maybe if she adopted a sweet Australian shepherd - perhaps uniquely featured with one brown eye and one blue - I could forget that San Francisco's felony conviction rate rose 15% during her tenure as District Attorney and confidently cast my vote for her. Likewise, a cozy dog could negate how cozy Cory Booker has been with Wall Street.

If a candidate continues to fail the American people by not getting a dog, it goes without saying that they're automatically disqualified from receiving my vote. Honestly, it makes life a lot easier! Tired of fighting with Bernie Bros on Twitter? Just tell them he doesn't have a dog so he's irrelevant - they can't argue with that! Problem solved!

I mean, look, I think it's great that we have such a diverse array of candidates and dogs to choose from, but I think we all learned in 2016 that playing identity politics doesn't work. I'm not going to vote for someone simply based on their gender, or their race - or hell! - even their political positions. That way, I'm automatically absolved of any guilt when the candidate I chose does something unforgivably reprehensible. Tulsi Gabbard was spotted full on frenching Bashar al-Assad? Hey, don't look at me! I only voted for her because her dog is full on fucking adorable.

Here's the thing: if I vote for a woman based on her platform and it turns out she's a bad president, I'll forever have to live with the knowledge that I helped put an unsatisfactory woman in a role that has traditionally been held by an unsatisfactory man. I don't want to live my life with that kind of regret! I guess what I'm trying to say is I'll vote for any woman, just not that woman... unless that woman has a dog.

With all that being said, it's imperative that no matter which candidate wins in the primary, all of us on the left rally around the winner so we can finally get a dog back in the White House! And, of course, defeat Donald Trump - unless he gets a dog, in which case, think of how silly and lovable that fluffy lil rascal will be, contentedly gnawing on a rawhide bone in front of the Resolute desk, as his/her owner tweets us to the brink of nuclear war. Awww!

This is Duke. He used to be the mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota and I'm jealous of every citizen of that town!