Excerpts from Shakespeare, According to Trump

Romeo and Juliet

Two households, both with very fine people on their side

O, swear not by the moon

The inconstant moon which is a part of Mars.

I am a-weary, give me leave awhile:

Fie, how my bones ache! Must be the spurs!

But not a single one is racist.

Hamlet

There is nothing either good or bad, but Fox News makes it so.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream

And though she be but liddle' she is fierce.

In this same interlude it doth befall

That I, one Snout by name, present a wall;

And what a wall, let me tell you, a wall

A big, beautiful wall, a wall that’s real

And such a wall, as I would have you think,

It has a chink, ok, now it has a lot of chinks.

But we gotta fix it, it’s a crisis --

It’s so simple, everybody knows it.

Much Ado About Nothing

Peace! I will stop your mouth

I won’t even wait:

And when you’re a star they just let you do it --

You can do anything

King Lear

As to legitimate: fine word – the best – legitimate

And it’s me, many are saying

I’m the most legitimate there ever was

Are you our daughter?

If you were not, perhaps I would date you.

Blow winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow!

You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout

Till you have drench’d our steeples, drown’d the cocks!

You sulphurous and thought-executing fires

Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,

Prove to me that climate change isn’t real:

It’s a hoax created by the Chinese;

This is just weather.

This is fine.

The Tempest

O brave new world,

That has such corporations that are people in’t!

Measure for Measure

The miserable have no medicine but only hope

And GoFundMe

Who will believe thee, Isabel?

My unsoil’d name, the austereness of my life,

My vouch against you, and my place I’ the state

Will so your accusation overweigh

And if you were believed, well, who would care?

I could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue

And no supporters would I lose – it’s true:

Plus you aren’t my type.

The Taming of the Shrew

Fie, fie! Unknit that threatening unkind brow,

You’d be prettier if you smiled.

Twelfth Night

VIOLA

What country, friends, is this?

CAPTAIN

This is America, and you’re under arrest.

………………………………………………………

[Exit, Pursued by a Democratic Administration]